You Are Not Indecisive — You Are Misusing Your Decision Muscle

by Anton Zemlyanoy | Self-Talk

”So you're saying I'm not indecisive?” said Michael as he leaned back in his chair. “That would change everything for me. And I could finally stop beating myself up with questions like ‘Why can’t I do it?’”

We're forty minutes into our session and Michael has spent most of it telling me how he needs to be more decisive in his role. He's been struggling with this for years — long enough to start forming a dangerous belief — “I’m just indecisive.” That’s when I thought that I heard enough and chose to challenge his belief and to help him take ownership back for his actions.

“Michael, as I hear you describe yourself as 'indecisive' and struggling to say 'No', 'Not now' or 'Not me, but here’s who can', what strikes me is this: you ARE making decisions.
You’re making decisions not to feel bad. You’re making decisions to do what feels good, rather than what you need to do in your role. But you ARE making decisions.”

The penny drops. There is silence. I hold silence with him. I notice Michael change, physically: he is straightening up. I didn’t notice him hunching over earlier, but seeing him sitting upright now, I notice a change not just in his posture, but in his entire presence: his breathing slows, it becomes deeper. He comes across as more grounded.

“I AM making decisions...” — he says slowly as he continues trying this concept on.

I almost see him think back through our whole session and change, in his mind, every time he said 'I’m unable to make decisions' to 'I HAVE been making decisions'... He is accepting my challenge, my provocation, my offer to see himself differently. He is being empowered by it. But only because on some level, he already knew all of that. He just needed a language for it, perhaps by another voice at first, before he can internalise it and make it his own.

I smile as I watch it land, almost seeing it take root. When Michael looks at me again, experiencing himself from this perspective, I dare say he looks transformed. I decide to strengthen it, and say:

“The good news is that you have this decision muscle already available to you. You just need to apply it differently. And that is an easier move than trying to go from 'I’m indecisive' to 'I want to be decisive'."

Michael confirms that he sees it. His self-perception has been positively challenged in the last five minutes of our session. He accepted this new perspective and, during the next several months, realised how central it was to several other areas he wanted to work on: not being the hero who saves the day, delegating to his team more, empowering them to say 'no' when appropriate, collaborating with other departments. As we met for other sessions, I experienced that he didn’t need any more interventions — just support and accountability check-ins, as he was getting used to applying this somewhat new self-concept to his leadership role.

Your turn

So now I want to turn to you, dear reader, and ask — where do you decide to do what’s easier instead of doing something that you know is needed?

Could it be delaying a performance conversation with a team member? If you wait too long, it may be too late to give them feedback — unfortunately, I’ve seen this happen.

Or not asking your boss for what you need in order to do your job well?

Or perhaps you’re deciding to stay quiet in a meeting when people actually pay you for your opinion, even if it may not be comfortable to hear?

Notice what you’re deciding to do. And, perhaps, practice deciding differently.

You Are Not Indecisive — You Are Misusing Your Decision Muscle

Your turn

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