Rational vs Emotional Truth

There are two truths running inside of us. They usually work in tandem and blend so well into one story that it’s hard to notice they are different. Yet, under closer examination, each story, like a movie, has multiple narratives. There come times in our lives when these two narratives, rational and emotional, tell very different versions of the same event, claiming each to hold a separate “truth”.

I first heard this phrase, rational vs emotional truth (using “vs” for illustrative purposes here), from our lecturer when I was doing my master’s in psychology - I wanted to understand the why behind so many of the coaching tools and I got one answer in this concept, seeing it play out in coaching sessions since..

A simple illustration of such two narratives is when someone’s been bitten by a random dog as a child.

The rational version is:

“Most dogs don’t bite kids randomly, and most dogs are safe”.

However, an emotional version could be:

“I’m likely to be bitten by a dog” or “Dogs are unsafe, period”.

As long as the emotional version is holding the position of “truth”, the person will feel unsafe around dogs.

Or think of someone who had a car accident the first time they went out on a road driving on their own. A rational version would include an understanding of what led to that accident (rationale) and a solution for how to avoid such accidents again. An emotional version I sometimes hear is “I am not a good or safe driver, so I better not drive again”. Translate “driver” into a “leader”, and you get to meet Monica (name changed).

Monica is a promising professional who had a terrible leadership experience when she was promoted and given a team to lead. She cared too much and tried too hard, coming through as a controlling and abrasive leader, resulting in formal complaints and her stepping away from the role. Three years later, when we worked together in coaching, she was facing a choice: do I go for another leadership role, which is being offered to her in the organisation again, or do I remain an individual contributor? Despite a strong work ethic, a desire to serve the organisation and encouragement from her boss, who saw that Monica had all she needed to lead the team, we kept bumping into the emotional truth that was still running inside of her: “I will crash again.”

In such cases, a rational Pros and Cons list will not help, no matter how long it gets. Because by default, such lists are rational. Working instead with a heated emotional front (guilt, shame, fear) is the way to release the emotional hold. It’s like trying to put more and more fertiliser in a plant when what you need to do is change the temperature around it.

The hard, ironic “truth” is that you need confidence to drive safely.

We have all seen indecisive drivers on the road who increase the chances of accidents. We have also seen drivers whose confidence, when in overdrive, becomes arrogance, also causing accidents. You need enough confidence to drive well, to make timely decisions, to give space to others and take up space when needed. If you want to drive well, you need to find a way to be back on the road and get better experiences under your belt, even if you need to start in a simulator.

Once you do, you may even be ready to roll down the windows and enjoy the air (if you live in a place where we haven’t polluted it yet).