How to Recover After a Metaphoric Car Crash

If you've ever pushed toward your limits, or the limits of people on your teams, chances are you've bumped into others, spun out, or even crashed.

Bumping is easier to recover from: you have a conversation about what caused the collision, make amends, and move on.

Spinning out is pushing past your own limits and losing control—of your temper, your project, or whatever it is you're driving. A bit harder to patch, but a few conversations and showing up well will often do it.

Crashing is when projects collapse, relationships suffer, and your ability to lead, collaborate, and deliver comes into question. It makes sense—you crashed the metaphoric car and potentially caused damage to yourself, the car, the track and others.

I use this driving metaphor when working with clients struggling to recover from a bad leadership experience. Some of you may have experienced real car accidents as the driver who caused it, or contributed to it. But what happens after the accident—how we interpret what happened and why—determines whether you get back on the road, return to a leadership role, or continue with your business or any other initiative.

Why do some people recover and get back on the road even after terrible accidents, while others conclude they are not "fit for the road"?

This is what fascinates me in my work. Welcome to the realm of Self-Talk and meaning-making.

You may have heard of the concept that our Inner Game influences our Outer Game (popularised by Timothy Gallwey in "The Inner Game of Tennis"). In the case of a crash, what we say to ourselves about external events impacts our Inner Game, which then shapes our Outer Game. Incredibly, this meaning-making process often remains just outside our awareness, which is why awareness precedes meaningful change. I've spent two years studying how to identify and work with these beliefs during my Master's in "psychology and psychodynamic coaching" and now years applying this knowledge in my coaching practice.

Here are the distinctions I've observed between the two types of people, those who get back on the road and those who don’t.

Those who recover and get back on the road:

• Understand what caused the crash:

  • Conditions: metaphoric wet weather: high-pressure projects, tough market conditions where people sacrifice sleep and self-care.

  • Behaviour: how they contributed and how others contributed.

• Develop strategies to prevent future crashes:

  • Identify warning signs when conditions are high-risk (external and internal).

  • Recognise what causes them to lose control.

  • Create methods to compensate or recover when things start going wrong.

• Don't fixate on the same thing happening again, but be prepared for such a possibility.

Those who don't recover (or show signs of incomplete recovery):

• Either blame themselves entirely or blame others (conditions or people- leaving no room for growth).

• Lack clarity about what actually happened:

  • Which conditions contributed.

  • Their role versus others' roles in the crash.

• Assume, sometimes with conviction, that history will repeat itself.

The result? They either avoid getting back in the driver's seat or ask others to drive (e.g. asking your boss to step into your team meeting rather than leading the meeting yourself). If this continues long enough, limiting beliefs about their abilities take root, which is why coaching is sometimes defined as a process of unleashing potential. Potential trapped by inaccurate self-perception.

I’ve also seen leaders return to the road, but they drive hesitantly. Their communication lacks clarity about team expectations. They avoid needed conversations about performance issues. Fear of appearing forceful leads to them communicating with reduced clarity, resulting in ambiguity and eventually frustration for everyone. Like unconfident drivers who start moving forward but then hesitate, they confuse those around them. It is easier to illustrate with driving that you need enough confidence to drive well. I find this to be similar in leadership and professional relationships.

So, how does one recover from a failure and gets back on the road?

Work needs to be done in these key areas:

1. Reexamine your interpretation of what happened

• What factors do you believe caused the crash?

• Which circumstances played a role?

• How did various people (including yourself) contribute?

2. Extract valuable lessons for next time

• What have you learned that will help you better navigate similar situations?

3. Identify skills needing development

• What do you still need to learn to become a better driver?

• Where can you practice these skills safely?

4. Create opportunities for positive experiences

• When and where can you begin collecting evidence of your competence?

While mindset work—addressing interpretations, assumptions, and strategies—is essential and we start there, conceptual understanding isn't enough. You must gather new experiences to balance out the crash. If you need to, start in an "empty parking lot" before returning to busy roads. Begin with "dry conditions" before tackling challenging situations. The world needs confident drivers for everyone's safety. Take responsibility for creating opportunities to rebuild your skills. Remember, even world-class drivers occasionally spin out. But you can only get better if you stay in the race.

While this framework is tested, the actual recovery process should be tailored to your specific experience, context, and beliefs.