Claiming Responsibility 30–70% of the Time

Without a willingness to take responsibility for one's life, no meaningful change can take place.

- Irvin Yalom, emeritus professor of psychiatry at Stanford University 

Claiming 100% responsibility in any situation is an extreme. Taking on responsibility for everything not only leads to a heavy burden to carry, but could also be driven by a hidden desire to be more important than we are. Owning YOUR PART, your contribution, 100%, is different.

Saying that we didn't contribute at all (it was all them, all circumstances, etc.) is another extreme, but in this case, there is a dismissal and transfer of ownership onto anyone or anything, but oneself. This is an ironic way to completely disempower oneself from the potential to grow, adapt and change as an adult.

Between the two extremes, there is a healthy amount of ownership and responsibility that can give you access to learning from the situation, allowing you to change how you approach, all leading to a sense of empowerment and, ideally, a resolve. So, here is a question to help you land there: How did I contribute to this (un)desirable situation?

Here is an example I vividly remember from a lecture during my psych studies, aimed to illustrate what is considered to be a healthy amount of ownership (and, as a bonus, aggression):

Imagine you are wearing a brand new coat and you're standing by the side of the road. A car drives by, and you get splashed with mud from a nearby puddle.

One version would be to say: "Well, it's all my fault, I stood too close to the curb and perhaps I shouldn't have worn a new coat on a rainy, muddy day". Here, you make yourself completely responsible for everyone's actions. It is also an example of auto-aggression, if you get angry at yourself.

On the other extreme, you would get infuriated with the driver and blame them for driving too fast and too close while not paying attention. In this case, you believe that THEY are the dooshbag. This is an example of responsibility and aggression targeted at others that often leads to conflict.

An alternative to both would be to acknowledge that both parties played a role in it, to feel the feelings that come up (anger, frustration, sadness) and to direct that energy towards a constructive solution (for example, if possible, have a conversation with the driver about a solution that will suit both parties).

I would add a fourth version, in which you may not be affected much at all, where you are able to truly shrug it off and move on with your day, which is a great amount of "Zen" to have. But we don't have access to Zen all the time, especially when the stakes are, or seem, higher, and this writing is for times when we are affected.

As a coach who works with people who either challenge themselves or are being challenged, I pay attention to how balanced, or unbalanced, a person's sense of responsibility is. Either extreme makes it harder to help the person grow from the experience, so if an extreme is present, we work with that first.

Which is why I offer the question: "How did I contribute to this situation?" To which we can now add "How did others contribute to it?", plus "What circumstances contributed to it?" With the car and coat example above, circumstances could be rain and mud, or the driver being late to a meeting, or the fact that puddles were right there.

How did I contribute to this situation?

How did others contribute to it?

What circumstances contributed to it?

These questions point you to a healthier, balanced and more complex (as compared to simplistic) way of making meaning of situations, both unpleasant and pleasant.

If you notice yourself being pulled into either direction (I'm the one responsible 100%, they are responsible 100%, it was all circumstances 100% - neither of us contributed) - I suggest thinking again, because in each extreme, we take away too many growth opportunities from ourselves.

And remember, some skills will come more naturally to you while others will take longer to practice. Learning how to interpret situations in constructive ways is a skill worth developing because the meaning you attach to any situation is within your circle of influence.