Don’t Get Rid of Your Ego — Expand It Instead

Getting rid of our ego is like trying to get rid of our skeleton. We need it to function. We need to know who we are in order to make choices in life. But when our understanding of self is narrow and we hold on to it too tightly, we limit ourselves and our choices.

Ego (noun): A person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance

- Oxford Dictionary

Instead of trying to get rid of your ego, work on having a healthy ego, on expanding your understanding of self and the world around you.

In the process of such expansion, your core, your ego, your sense of self will still remain, but it will not be limited to one dense and sometimes rigid understanding of who you are, or who you can be.

Result: more choices and spaciousness. Spaciousness between what happens in your life, how affected you feel by it and more choices of how you can respond. In short, a more agile mindset that results in improved Self-Talk.

When we operate mostly from our ego, our responses are predictable: when the ego (our sense of self) is threatened, we fight, flight, or freeze to protect it. When our awareness of self is expanded, we can contemplate different versions of ourselves, feel secure to step into other perspectives and have a meta-view of self and others.

I've seen this in myself and I see it when I coach smart, successful people whose style or skillset is suddenly not working at a new level of operating or in a new, yet unfamiliar context (new role, new company, new industry or new circumstances). When we operate from a narrower place of ego, navigating new contexts becomes challenging. Because a narrow ego gets hurt.

How Brad worked around his ego to do better in a new executive role

Meet Brad, a senior leader who previously succeeded through his deep technical expertise and direct problem-solving. When promoted to an executive role requiring strategic influence across departments, his previous approach fell flat.

When operating from a dense ego, Brad's self-talk sounded like:

• "Why don't they listen to me?"

• "What's wrong with them?"

• "What's wrong with me?"

The energy here was frustration, sometimes overwhelm, and often a sense of being stuck.

When Brad expanded his understanding of self, his self-talk transformed. He began asking different questions:

• "I was able to get great results in the past, and that's not working now... what is it that I need to learn or adjust?"

• "How might my definition of 'success' need to evolve in this new context?"

• "What strengths can I bring forward while developing new capabilities?"

The energy shifts from defensiveness and attack to curiosity and openness, while maintaining a resolve to figure out this challenge. But they don't feel fundamentally threatened by it.

Expand your range - it will help you adapt to new contexts with more clarity and grace, both externally and internally. Your self-talk will reflect this expansion, becoming less defensive and more exploratory.