3 Strategies to Improve Self-Talk

In my experience, upgrading self-talk is one of the most effective ways to remain confident and therefore do better in your career. And industry research backs this up (1).

I’ve witnessed clients change their inner dialogue and go from freezing up during board meetings to being able to deliver the whole presentation in just two weeks (example below).

Here are my favourite tested (and rather creative) strategies for you to try out.

Strategy 1. Recognise you're viewing it from one perspective (out of many available)

Here is a real client example I promised above. Samantha initially came to coaching when she recognised she had been critical of herself for several years and was unable to disconnect from thinking negatively about work events when she was at home with her family. At the same time, she was seen as a high-performing country lead in her organisation.

I’ve been working with Samantha for three months when she said she wanted to discuss her freezing up in a recent board meeting. During the session, we realised that the boardroom reminded her of an interrogation setting. Freezing up was partially a result of her feeling unsafe (remember the fight, flight or freeze response?). She was seeing presenting to the board from the perspective of being interrogated. No wonder she wasn’t being her best self!

So we worked on shifting her perspective from “I’m interrogated, they’re trying to catch me out” to “They are asking because I am an expert in my field and they need my input to make better decisions”. Two weeks later, Samantha was smiling as she shared that not only did she manage to not freeze and present her whole piece, but that she even enjoyed herself (a bit).

The point is: challenge yourself to think from a different, more empowering perspective. Having access to a wider range of perspectives is one sign of progress in adult and leadership development, which correlates positively with leadership effectiveness (2,3).

Strategy 2. Step into someone else’s thinking

We all have so much wisdom and experience inside of us. When you say you can’t think of anything else - I am willing to bet that you have more ideas inside of you. Here is how to tap into it. Continuing with Samantha’s example, I could ask: “Imagine you’re on that board and you want to help a person like you present well without freezing up. What would you say to them?” And trust me, answers you haven’t thought of earlier will come to you...

Try this yourself. Ask: “If I was my boss (mentor/client/partner) and I wanted a person like me to do well, what would I say to them?”

Strategy 3. Use sports analogies to reframe doubts

I love using analogies. Here is another real story to illustrate how to use them: Andrew was recently promoted to a senior role. In our very first session, he admitted that he wasn’t sure whether he deserved to be in this role.

“This is the most senior position I have ever held. I applied for such roles several times over the past several years, and in each round I was overlooked. Now that I am here, I’m thinking - have they made a mistake? Is this all a fluke?”

To me, this was a clear indicator that we had to deal with these self-limiting thoughts head-on; otherwise, it would be like trying to drive with a handbrake on.

So I asked: “Hold on, imagine a surfer not catching a wave nine times before finally getting there and who was NOW riding a good one... would you say to him that he shouldn’t be on the wave?” Andrew took a moment to think.... a few seconds later, his demeanour started to change. I could see him letting go of the former perspective and trying on this new one. He starts to smile. The surfer analogy fits.

So I strengthen it: “What if every time the surfer didn’t manage to catch that wave - it actually made him stronger, more experienced and better suited to be able to catch the current one?” (I’m now reframing failures into strengthening experiences). It was a perfect fit for Andrew. He breathed out, and we were able to shift our attention and energy to the impact he wanted to create from this role, which he did, continuing to surprise himself and receiving recognition from his bosses and peers.

The point is: drawing inspiration from sports can be extremely powerful and long-lasting.

There are two conditions to make analogies work for you:

1) Find an analogy that works for you (it could be surfing, football or Formula 1). You will know when you have found yours because you will say, “Ah, it now makes sense”.

2) Your mind has to be ready to think in analogies (relaxed enough and open to experimentation).

That’s it for now - you have 3 strategies to experiment with. Give them a try and remember: any new muscle takes practice to develop.